“I was tired of being scared, of waking up in the morning having to say 9 mantras, 30 minutes of meditation and 9 prayers, just to get dressed, and drive my car to the middle of nowhere, to work for a corporation whose main focus was dollars, not care…. How dare I ask about health care, and take vacations to nowhere, just so I could take care of my mental state and not feel my chest tighten in the night air? See I have NEVER felt free or safe in a place that displaced me, in a state and country that despises me, I had been scared all my life to be free.

Yet there was a fire, a passion somewhere deep inside of me, that came out in my laughter, my smile, in the way I would look in amazement at my child, dreaming of the day when she could be free. A day where she didn’t have to be afraid to go outside, where 15 minute warning and prep talks aren’t given in stride. Unsafe became the word of the day, laughter and playing no longer our safe way.

Nowadays folks run home from work, some of them to a drink or several or even taking a perc, they downsize themselves and dim their light, thoroughly frustrated they argue, hit, fuss and fight. So many have strayed far away from their true inner light, that depression sets deep within and they fall instead of fight. Yet it is in the realization that the cure is in the awareness of self, that would cause their souls to take flight. What if there was a way out of confusion, messiness, chaos and into a brand new, bigger light? Would we still be afraid or would we hop on that flight…”

This was a poem I wrote in 2021 when I finally made the decision to completely uproot my life and leave the U.S. I made a plan and research countries and visas. I obtained a certificate to teach worldwide so I would always have a job no matter what country I went to. In a matter of six months I updated my passport, sold everything, got rid of my car, took my homeschooled daughter and left. I was completely full. Full of stress, survival mode, trauma, triggers, anxiety and frustration. I had done everything right. I had gotten the degree(s), I had become a chef and was one for over 20+ years. I was a wife (divorced) had the kid(s) ran my own business and I held every supervisor/manager/boss role possible. I had added side hustles, switched careers a few times, and at one point I was working 70 hours a week. I was so unhappy, fully stressed out, constantly pushing my mind, body and soul to keep living a dream that wasn’t mine.

The craziest part? I didn’t even know I could leave and live a life worth living for. We are preprogrammed and taught “caterpillar language” all of our lives. What is caterpillar language? Let me explain. A caterpillar’s purpose is to eat and grow, literally their whole lives are centered around this. They must in order to acheive a purpose which is to one day store enough energy and nutrients to then transform into a butterfly. That is if they don’t get eaten, mangled or smushed. Most people stay at the caterpillar stage, just absorbing and moseying along never understanding what their true purpose really is.

You see everyone has a purpose, some of us several purposes, but we allow what we’ve been taught and how we’ve been taught to define our lives. We don’t even realize the options and opportunities that await us which would cause us to recognize and live in our butterfly thought processes. Butterflies are free. They are made to start new cycles and create new life. They are pollinators that support healthy, diverse and substainable systems. They are also beautiful and inspiring. Doesn’t that sound like something a person would want to be, healthy, diverse, beautiful and living substainably?

I realized that in order to become a butterfly, I had to develop my caterpillar language and change them into butterfly thought processes. How did I do this? I emulated the caterpillar. A caterpillar turns itself into a butterfly through a metamorphosis which involves 4 stages:

1. The growing stage (“eating” knowledge, doing research, and developing a plan.
2. Forming a chrysalis (a shield around its body, changing it’s atmosphere so it can focus) dissolving itself into a soup like stasis. (moving away from the toxicity).
3. Inside the chrysalis it completely rebuilds itself into a magneficient beautiful butterfly.
4. It reveals itself to the world and begins to “pollinate” and create new cycles and a new life.

I “gathered” all my energy and “nutrients” (life lessons, research, and knowledge) and then I changed my atmosphere (moved abroad to a place with less stress, more nature, better community, way less working hours). I “tucked away” (chrysalis) and pulled up all my trauma, stress and triggers and got to the root of these issues and “dissolved” myself until there was barely anything left. I then set about completely rebuilding myself into the butterfly I was meant to be. And now I pollinate the world with encouragement, care, advice and beauty from my heart. Did it take some work? Yes. Did I have to fight off dangers seen and unseen? Yes. Was it 100% worth it to become what I was always meant to be? Yes!

This is your post to change that “caterpillar language into butterfly thoughts” whatever and however that looks for you. You can live a life that is worth living for, and in accordance with your purpose. You deserve a happy, sustainable, beautiful way of being that doesn’t revolve around survival. Let go of caterpillar language (what your friends say/do, what your family thinks you should do, what your own mind sabotages into doing). It’s time to spread your wings and fly you gorgeous beautiful butterfly.

With love and light, Just Dee.